


Dean's Declaration

by Confix



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Fix-It, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 09:42:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29187270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Confix/pseuds/Confix
Summary: Dean has a weird dream, he wakes to find he is still mourning the loss of Cas, but not for long...
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 1





	Dean's Declaration

Dean: "Hiya Sam"

[Dean was on the bridge, his body responding to seeing his brother, he knows he is Dead, but if Cas is back.. Sam had a life, he saw it, why would he see it?

Dean feels the urge to move and the next thing he knows he feels a hard porous surface under his face, his neck hurts and a line of drool hangs from his mouth to the pages below. He raises his head and opens his eyes to see a book. 

He looks around to see the hard metal appliances and sink. He is in the bunker's kitchen, but he died… Sam lived.. Cas! Jack brought Cas back. Dean's mind races and he hops to his feet, his body urges him to head to his room, see if Cas is there. As his body heads in that direction he remembers. He remembers defeating God, and he remembers losing Cas. His heart drops and he tries to replace the thought to something less painful, the pie festival! ..... but that wasn't real, that was a dream, vampmines? Rusty rebar.. dieing, being in heaven at the same time as Cas.. It wasn't real.

He should be happy, he is alive, Chuck is a human now. Jack, well atleast Jack didn't fully commit to that dust in the wind bit, turns out he was bored by the third time they prayed to him. He has restored the majority of the people lost, Eileen's back, so Sam has been doing the most annoying job of pretending not to be happy. He doesn't realize it, but his happiness is actually one of the few things that eases Deans pain. Liquor had all but stopped helping by the second week, and pouring over lore like the one he woke drooling on to, at least makes him feel like he is trying, but really it's up to Jack. Jack with all his power has been working very hard to bring people back, some have been easier than others. 

Dean stumbles to the coffee maker, determined to get back to research but first, he needs caffeine. He feels different somehow, hopeful. Hope has always proven dangerous. Hope is the pain that keeps giving, hope is everytime he wanted Cas to stay and he left, hope is everytime they saved the world just to find another world ender around the corner.. yeah hope is bad he decided to try and push it out of his mind.

It's 4:15am when he gets his coffee, he can't decide if it's early or late, days have become blurry, he can rarely remember going to sleep, he just finds that he wakes up in either the library or the kitchen. He hasn't spent much time in the war room, and only really goes in his bedroom to change his clothes, which if he is being honest, he hasn't done as often as he should.

Sitting at the table in the kitchen is fine, but looking around while drinking his coffee he is hit with memories, flashing like visions. He looks towards the door and sees Cas' hand on his shoulder, he looks across the table and sees Cas, he looks sad, why does he look sad...

His thoughts interrupted by the sounds of movement and giggling hurling towards him, he knows before he sees them, Sam and Eileen are getting ready for their morning jog. 

They barrel through the door giggling like one of them has told a joke, but they quickly still when they notice Dean.]

Sam: Dean, have you been in here all night?

Dean: So you admit that it's night?

S: You know what I mean, you need to go to your room, get some sleep in YOUR bed.

D: I am good, just woke up. I feel great actually. 

[Dean is so obviously lying that Sam demnor changes from concern to pity. 

Dean can feel it and he hates it. He remembers sometime last week drunkenly breaking down to Sam, he doesn't remember exactly what was said, but can clearly remember audibly sobbing and repeating "He loved me and now he is dead'' and "I asked him not to do it and he did it, he left me" or some variations of that. He doesn't even feel embarrassed, in fact he would rather Sam know more, but he can't talk about it, not sober, not yet. Dean just wishes that he wasn't acting as a happiness vacuum in the bunker, that he wasn't just ripping Sam and Eileen's happiness right out of them whenever they are in the same room.]

S: Why don't you go take a shower at least, maybe leave the bunker?

[Dean felt the venom inside him surging, he wanted to snap and call Sam out on not wanting to have a giant killjoy moping around where he is trying to be happy. Dean knows better, his brother really is just trying to keep Dean from losing it again.]

D: Ok Sam

[Dean wanted to say more but couldn't come up with anything that would add any value to conversation. Dean just gets up and leaves to go take that shower.

Deans dressed in fresh clothes, wishing that the shower helped, but it didn't, he glances to his desk to see his notepad and pencil not so cleverly concealed by a large book he has placed on top of it. Tempted to read his ramblings to see if there was something he could add, he decides against it, he hasn't cried since waking up, no sense in tears soaking his face just yet.

He decides though to bring his work with him, maybe outside of this room he can come up with more, something better to add.

He gets in Baby with no real idea where he is headed, just getting air, just giving Sam and Eileen a bunker without the crushing weight of his despair filling every square foot around him like a fallout zone. He thinks to himself, he has no one, even Sam is spoken for, maybe things would be better if he just single handedly took on some vamps, at least he could busy himself, and if he died.. well that wouldn't be the worst thing to happen to him. It was, after all, how he met Cas in the first place. Without noticing tears began to burn down his cheeks as he pulled down a winding road leading to a park. This seemed like as good of a place as any to get some air.

Notebook in hand he walked over to one of the benches, there were two right next to each other and he chose to sit at the one on the right, but all the way seated on the left side. White knuckling his notebook, he looks over to the other bench. 

His stomach aches and his throat tightens as he remembers back to a time when Cas was sitting there or a bench like it, before his fall, confiding in him.

He flips open his notebook to scribble something on a new page. Hands shaking he closes the book. He decides now is as good of a time as any to check in with Jack, maybe he has figured something out, maybe he can help. 

Dean begins to pray]

D: Jack, I know your working hard buddy, and we just talked last night, but if you have any news or anything I can help with.. Or if you wanna talk, I miss you kid and uh… if you're not busy, maybe we could grab a burger?

[Dean cracks an eye back open to see if Jack has appeared during his prayer, he hadn't. Dean does notice something fluttering in his peripheral, a bee to the side of him just pass the other bench, buzzing around looking for the right leaf to land on. 

Dean slams his eyes shut and holds them, while he feels his heart actually aching. He considers adding a note to his pad, but shakes the thought. If he added something every time his heart ached he would never stop. He feels good about what he has written so far, but with that task more or less complete he feels a new emptiness inside. 

He reluctantly opens his eyes, but doesn't see Jack, which means either he is busy trying to save Cas, or just busy, either way, Dean is sure this is another day that will end with him sleeping on top of some lore and pulling the happiness right out of anyone he sees. 

This place is too sad he decides he should walk the trail around the park, that counts as doing something, he thinks.. and at least pushing his feet to move will offer a distraction, any distraction is better, no matter how small he will take it. 

He folds his notepad in half and places it in his jacket's chest pocket. He gives it a tap to make sure it will stay put, then flinched at just how pathetic he feels.

The sun is shining brighter now but the path ahead has treecover so it is mostly shaded, its warmer outside than it has been, but still appropriate jacket weather. As he moves his feet along the trail he hears the leaves and sticks gently crack beneath him. The trail is deserted and begins to wind as the tree canopy starts to look more like a tunnel. It's honestly beautiful, and aside from the few times before Sam and Eileen spot him, it's a rare happy sight.

He looks down to see the various dead leaves and sticks that make up the trail he is walking then back up to see. At the end of the trail he sees the shape of a man, in all tan walking his direction. 

Dean stops moving abruptly. It takes him a few seconds to convince himself to breathe and also that people wear coats, he couldn't see the man really, just a coat. He turns away from the path ahead facing the foliage of the side of the trail,, his hands fall to his knees, his eyes to the leaves below him, his stomach churns and his mouth begins to water. He feels like he may throw up any second, but he hasn't eaten since yesterday so he doesn't really have anything to pull up. He assumed the position just in case. 

He takes a big swallow and slowly begins to pull himself upright, still looking at the leaves below. He thinks to himself great, now every guy in a tan coat can make him come close to throwing up, he feels ridiculous as he begins to take purposeful deep breaths through his nose. 

He has almost steadied himself completely, almost ready to look up and move his feet again when he feels it. A warm hand placed gently on his arm. He uprights himself some more and all but freezes. Still looking at the foliage beyond the trail he hears it. A deep husky voice.]

C: Hello Dean.

D: Cas.. 

[Dean breaths the word out more than he says it and slowly turns to the man touching his shoulder. He hurries to wipe the remnants of his panic attack from his face. He lowers his sleeve to where his arms dangle by his side, his eyes wide open, his jaw lowered to leave a gape in his mouth, he is looking at Cas.

Cas' head is slightly tilted, the look on his face is one Dean recognizes fondly as worry and trepidation. His eyebrows almost joined on his forehead while his eyes pour concern over Dean.]

C: Hello Dean. 

Dean rustles himself into a position that he wants to appear confident, he raises his head head, straightens his back, and forces his eyes to meet Cas'. Almost like a soldier in a line up, he slowly works up to say. 

D: Cas I need to talk to you 

[Cas takes a sharp breath in and looks down nervously. He slowly pulls his hand from Dean's shoulder. Then he meets his gaze, his eyes already glassed over. His expression turned from worry to small notes of fear.]

C: Okay. 

D: Cas.. uh.. 

[Dean's eyes begin to dart around and he looks more nervous then he wants to. After a deep breath, his nerves transition back to determination, he looks at the leaves once more, then back to Cas.]

D: Cas.. when we met, I was afraid of you... and  
not because you could kill me, I would have been fine with that, but because you looked inside me and told me what I felt... and uh… that scared the crap out of me Cas, but it also.. also kinda gave me hope.... 

[Dean is having trouble keeping eye contact, he has found one leaf in particular that he may say the majority of this too, if he can't regain his strength]

D: The more time we spent together the more you could see me, like really see me man, and I think you let me see you too. 

[His eyes move back to Cas, he tries to slow his words deliberately to make sure they all hit the way he intends them to]

D: You know for so long I held onto this idea of myself, the one I had in my head anyway, I held on as tight as I could, thinking if anyone knew me... like really knew me they would run screaming or use it to crush me. Hell I hid most of my bullshit from Sammy too. 

...Then you, you just walked right up and looked at me, so freaking deep man, that I felt it, you saw me... 

[His voice is beginning to break as tears are forming] 

...You saw me, and... you didn't look away... 

[He is holding his stare to Cas' big blue watering eyes, while his own tears have begun slowly streaming down his face.] 

D: and I know we had our bullshit Cas, and I gotta tell you I still remember the feeling after we saved the world and you said you were going back to heaven. I had no idea why then, but that hurt me, I thought you saw me and you know.... maybe the novelty of the broken human had worn off.. 

C: Dean.... 

D: Cas, you gotta let me get through this, I have thought about this alot... 

[Cas nods gently, looking desperate to comfort Dean, instead he remains still] 

D: When you came back after that, as annoyed as you seemed to have me pray to you, you brought up our profound bond…

...I think we both brushed it off at the time, but it hit me... it hit me deeper than I realized. 

...Then all that bullshit went down with Crowley, but I knew, I KNEW that no matter how mad I got, and I got really freaking mad, that it was just covering up that I was.. I was hurt... 

...I wanted you to choose me again, more than anything, I wanted you to stop because I asked. I know its stupid.. and so much time has passed but after all that went down and you were god, and then I thought you were dead, and yeah I was mad because it HURT, because I wanted to be your choice again. 

...As hurt as I was when we got you back, I couldn't stay mad, because what I realized was that I NEEDED YOU, I needed you to remind me who I really was when I didn't know, and I needed you to be ok.. 

...Then we went to purgatory, I stayed a whole year trying to find you, a freaking year man, and I could've left sooner, hell Benny begged me to, but I couldn't, I didn't want to. If I hadn't found you I would probably still be there. Chuck knows Sammy would have been happier if I did.. 

[Cas' eyes have begun to release the tears he was trying to hold and softly he says]

C: You know that's not true 

D: Whatever man, the point is, its you, it's always been you, when I came back and you didn't, it destroyed me, that's why even after Naomi made you into dark Cas I still, I still needed you, hell I told you I needed you, because it was the freaking truth. 

...I gotta say.... I was really hoping you were gonna tell me that's what snapped you back, that you needed me as much as I needed you... but uh.. you left... and I am not mad, I have never been able to stay mad, and now maybe you know why... 

...Under every layer of bullshit that has come up in our lives it seems to always circle back around to, if you're not in it, then I don't want to be. 

...Cas, you gotta know, when you were human, I wanted to have you at the bunker more than anything... I thought for some reason I could get closer to you if you were more flawed like me, like maybe I would be able to push through how intimidated I felt, if you were on my level. 

...It felt so selfish, to want you there so bad, so fucking bad, that when, who I thought was Zeke told me he would basically kill Sam if I kept you there, I still thought about it... I still considered keeping you there and uh.. I want you to know when I told you to go, that was as much to punish myself for thinking about it as it was to save Sammy. I needed to hurt for thinking about putting my wants before my brother's safety. I uh.. I still beat myself up for all of it ya know. 

...Of course I coulda told you this when you came back, but.. I was scared.. 

...I feel so stupid, but honestly, its fucking terrifying, our friendship, our bond or whatever is the one thing that scares me, and to talk about it, to give all this power over to the one person that could truly shatter me with it... I just couldn't... I should have trusted you with this but..... 

...You're a freaking angel, and I am.. me... and I would be lying if I said that you didn't already break me evertime you left, or .. fuck man when you died after Jack was born.. that was it, I wanted to fucking die. I all but begged death to take me... 

...So Cas, I don't know how to do any of this, like any of it... I mean sure I have looked into some stuff when I realized you made up the majority of my dream "happy endings" but the important things, actually communicating... 

...God this sounds so stupid when I say it out loud, my point Cas, is as lame as it sounds, your it for me, always have been, even if it took me awhile to realize what these feelings ment. 

...All I want right now, the one freaking thing.... 

...I want you to know how important you are to me, how much I really freaking need you, and ..uh.. how much you mean to me. 

[Cas is now staring at Dean with wonder and shock through his teary eyes. Dean's eyes have found Cas' again and he holds his gaze] 

D: Thank you for saving me, for saving Sammy and Jack! Cas, Jack is God, that happened because of you. You always are the first one to tell me and Sam how much we have done for the world, but we were freaking puppets man, you did that, you saved the world. 

…and uh.. I have thought about this alot, and you deserve to know every nice thing I have ever thought about you, but was too afraid to say... I was always afraid that if I told you how much I appreciated you, like really fucking appreciated you, it would come out sounding like a declaration of love, and I guess…. thats because it would be, and it is.. 

...Don't get me wrong, I have come dangerously close a few times before, like when you killed Billy the first time, I felt it so much that I had to turn it around inside me into anger, into anything but what I was actually feeling... and when Jack brought you back, I almost... but I was scared, and called you my brother to cover my tracks. 

...Then in purgatory I would have.. I wanted to.. but you stopped me.. and if we didn't have a ticking clock I was going to do it, I wanted to do it, I was ready to throw it out there even if you couldn't feel the same. 

[Dean is having some trouble talking through his tears now, his voice almost incoherent] 

D: When you saved me, when you told me... when you said I changed you... YOU.. I was.. I felt every word like a punch to the soul, at first I thought you were telling me what I would want to hear before we both died, I was glad.. you know I wasn't sure I believed you meant the things at first, just that you know me so well that you would know what I needed more than anything... 

...Then it started to come together for me, Cas I could barely hear what you were saying, you were saying goodbye.. and Cas I couldn't.. not again... I couldn't, you were going to leave me again, everything hurt. 

...I have died Cas, alot, and hearing you say that you felt about me, the way I have begged myself not to feel about you... only to... only to see... see the empty coming for you... Cas I would rather die a thousand times.. a million more times if it meant you didn't leave me again. uhh.... I have played every second of that day on repeat in my head, every word over and over and the one thing that I have had..... 

...the one thing I have had to believe, with absolute certainty is that this, this right here, I would get a chance to tell you this, all of this. 

...Cas I need you 

[Dean puts his hands onto Cas' waist and searches his eyes for approval. Tears now burning down both of their cheeks] 

...Cas, this is it, it's the biggest weapon anyone has ever had against me, you're the only creature in the universe that could really break me with it… but I want you to have it. I have never trusted anyone more, I want you to know that..... 

...I love you. 

..That-all of me, when you're gone it feels like my soul is being ripped out through my throat, I would rather die than live without you another day.. 

...Love 

C: D-Dean.. I love you. 

[They have moved their hands to cup each other's faces, both gently thumbing off the others' tears. Dean has never looked more beautiful to Cas, and the same is true for Dean now lost in Cas' big blue eyes Dean closes his eyes nervously to kiss the man in front of him. Cas' eyes hood just before he moves them closed and leans into the kiss]


End file.
